Emptiness

If I were going to be asked how many times I have fallen in love, my answer would be- many times. Probably too many that every so often I feel like I was born to love and to get hurt.
Falling in love is the most infuriatingly fantastic feeling any human being could possibly experience. It is exciting. It is nerve-wracking. It is calorie burning. It is insane. It makes everything in the world magical and colorful.
People who are in love tend to be much nicer than necessary. I know. I’ve been there. It feels like you want to be-friend everybody. You are more welcoming, more approachable. You understand everything. You seem to know the solutions to all the problems in the world. And, you cannot seem to get that sweet smile off your face.
That is love. It can do all the crazy things, it can make the impossible possible, the ugly beautiful and the black, somehow white.
That is love. I know. I’ve had that.
I should know everything about love because I have been in that state for so many times.
But actually, I don’t. I do not know how it feels like to be cuddled in the cold Christmas Eve. I do not know how it feels to be in the arms of someone when I am miserable. I do not know the feeling of being cherished and loved when my world is falling apart.
All I know is the feeling of emptiness every time I fall in love.

image from http://www.flickr.com/photos/g-hat/1587337253/

Halfmeant

Sa bawat gabi makatulog ka sana
Na ako ang nasa isip sa tuwi-tuwina
Sa umaga, sa tanghali at sa gabi
Sana maalala mo ang aking mga ngiti

Sana’y dahan-dahan ka sa iyo’ng pagkain
Baka mabulunan sana sa kaiisip sa akin
Tingnan ang daan sa paglalakad
Baka madapa kapag naalalala ang lahat

Siguro sa sobrang pag-iisip ko sa’yo
Ay dugu-dugo ka na, pangyayari’ng di malayo
Ngayon kaya ay may dila ka pa
O lagi ito’ng nakakagat at di na makapagsalita

Kawawa ka naman kung magkagano’n
Sorry ha, di ko lang mapigilan ang emosyon
Gustuhin ko man na di ka isipin
‘Di pwede dude, mahirap ‘yong pilitin

October 19, 2005
Wednesday, 12:05am

image from http://www.flickr.com/photos/colinedwards/291628090/

Love Never Ends

How would you stay in love with someone who does not and will never feel the same way? Would you still take the risk, tell him how you really feel and be broken the second time, or would you just forget about your feelings and live your life as if nothing happened?
And then regret everything for the rest of your life?
No way. If I were that person, I wouldn’t. But then again, you’ve got to think- is he worth fighting for?

I’ll say this again, I don’t know and I can’t remember how many times I’ve said this, but I’ll say this again anyway. I’d love to forget everything, move on and live a new life. Who wouldn’t? But it isn’t easy. Everyday, I tell myself, this is the day when I start thinking about other things, more important things, except him. But at the end of the day, I always find myself hoping that he’s somehow thinking about me.
Crazy, I am. Of course, I know that. No need to deny it.
Well, that moving on thing, I guess, that’s hopeless for me. And that really scares me because I know, if I won’t be able to move on, I couldn’t really be happy.
Because as they say, you cannot really go on if you have left something behind. And what I’ve left behind is the most important thing in my life. It is just so impossible to forget.
And how can I live with the fact that I can’t move on? I do not know. Honestly, I do not know.
They say that to be able to forget someone, find someone else. Or keep yourself busy, or simply, just forget everything about him. From his smile, to his God damn beautiful little eyes.
Yes, I have tried those, all these years. But where did that all lead me? Into insanity. Still, here I am, desperately praying for a miracle.
Here I am, still living in the shadow of the past, without taking into consideration that he might be with someone now, happy.
I must admit that I can’t face the fact that he has changed. That maybe everything has changed between the two of us.
Maybe he’s not the same person I’ve known many years ago. Maybe his feelings for me has changed. Maybe.
Or that’s for sure. I don’t know.
I still can’t figure out how did that happen. I mean, does love really change at the end of the day?
Well, of course, it does. Everything has it’s end. Actually, a lot has changed in me. My love, for instance to those people whom I’ve loved before. However, did I question myself? No, because I am sure in my heart, that it is possible and there’s nothing wrong about my feelings changing through time.
It’s understandable. It’s justifiable.
But why on earth can’t I understand this issue between me and Mr. Blank?
I’m getting tired of this. I’ve been pondering, weighing things for so, so long now. This hurt I’m feeling, I think is already immunizing my system that I no longer care if this is wrong or right.
I know that what I feel for him is so real and that nothing is gonna happen. Yes, I’ve learned, as time goes that what I am into is something that time needs a miracle to come true.
I have learned to accept my fate. But I am still holding on. I do not know where would this all lead me, but somehow I know, I’ll get there.

image from http://www.flickr.com/photos/17305559@N00/379732712/

Gone with the Wind

There will be this one time in your life wherein you’ll find someone as wonderful as the stars in the sky.
I’ve found mine many years ago. He’s got the eyes that would definitely leave a girl breathless. And his smile- wow, you could lose yourself with his sweet smile.
He’s totally charming, very good looking. A head-turner, without even trying.
I always used to give him a glance every single day when he walks in front of my house. And when he smiles, God only knows what’s on my mind.
As time flies, I know nothing about him but his heavenly charm.
As time flies by and still, I found myself searching among the crowds for his face. And who would expect that I’d be seeing him again, after a couple of years, in the most unlikely circumstances.
One that I wished never happened.

You ask why? I tell you why.
Well, it was one of those ordinary days, and as I do the things I usually do, I suddenly saw this man rushing to my direction. I was surprised. Speechless.
O, I really wish to heaven it never happened. Because that same day, that very moment, I can’t help but ask myself why, o why did I lose myself to someone like this man?
I cannot believe that I was actually deceived by his charming good looks.
Do not get me wrong. He still looks fantastic.
Well, not until he speaks.
O, I really wished it never happened. All my admiration, longing and dreaming has suddenly gone…with the wind.

image from http://www.flickr.com/photos/aussiegall/1283642321/

Hanggang sa Muli

Paano kaya kung magkita tayo’ng muli
Magsasawalang kibo ba o ako’y ngingiti
Ano kaya ang mararamdaman
Ng puso ko sa oras na ika’y masilayan

Ano kaya ang iyo’ng gagawin
Kapag muling nagkita ang landas natin
Ako kaya ay mapapansin mo
Kung sakaling magkasalubong tayo

Ituturing mo kaya ako’ng isang kaibigan
Tatawanan, ngingitian na parang wala lang
Ano kaya ang una mo’ng sasabihin
Tulad kaya ng unang pagkikita natin

Makakayanan ko kayang ika’y muling yakapin
At ipadama sa’yo natatagong damdamin
Magkaroon kaya ng lakas ng loob
Sabihin sa’yo hinanakit ko’t poot

Marahil hindi mo na ako maaalala
Ang dating pagtingin ay sadyang wala na
At kung tayo nga’y magkitang muli
Marahil kalakip nito’y mapait na ngiti

November 19, 2005
12:15am

image from http://www.flickr.com/photos/blmurch/332041319/

Love Sucks

Love sucks. As in really sucks. You’ll do everything for love, all those crazy little things for love, then what? You just end up weeping and crying over some stupid jerk who promised you the moon and the stars and the heaven and the earth.
God to think of it- some guy likes you, calls you everyday, spends hours on the phone in the morning, afternoon and night. Sends you sweet and thoughtful messages, tells you everything you wanted to hear. He visits your home almost every night, goes out with you on the weekends, brings you to those romantic places and fancy restaurants, and lavishes you with expensive flowers, gifts and chocolates.
And when you look into his eyes, he stares at you as if you are the most beautiful woman on earth. Then, in a snap of a finger, the stars come down from heaven and you fall in love with him and he’s the happiest.
Then days passed, weeks and months.
And days passed by still, as you look into his eyes, he isn’t looking at you the way he did before.
Then you hear him say…It’s not you, it’s me.
That’s the romantic way of breaking up, I think. He tells you he needed some space to think, that you are such a wonderful person and you deserve someone better, he couldn’t give everything you need, that you are too good for him.
This some guy, whom a long time ago promised you everything, almost his life for you, and they are the ones who beg for your love in the first place, but then, they are the ones who want escape.
Love does suck, doesn’t it?

image from http://www.flickr.com/photos/foreverphoto/512760334/

When I Think of Love, I Think of You

Love is like a wildflower
And like the cold nights of the summer
It is like the morning dew
That freshens the day with the thoughts of you

Love is like the falling leaves
Everytime they fall, it makes us believe
That the memories of you will always stay
And somehow tomorrow is yet another day

Love is like a deep blue ocean
A wonderful sight that can never be forgotten
The wind and the leaves call out your name
And it truly sets my heart on a flame

Love is like the clouds in the sky
It is as free as solitary birds that fly
The love I feel continues to grow
Like the stream of water that will forever flow

Love is as perfect as a tear
Doesn’t really matter if you’re far or near
It is like a child’s laughter
The music it brings will stay forever

Love is like the stars at night
Make my darkest moments seem so bright
It is like the moon that shines
It would never fail even at sad times

Love is like a work of art
It’s the memory of the time when we fell apart
It isn’t important what they mean
What matters is how they make me feel

Love is like watching the sunset
It will always bring a feeling of content
As the sun eventually reaches the horizon
Like love itself leads us to confusion

Love is like a melody
It evokes so much memory
It is like the Christmas Eve
It is sad, it is lonely, it makes me grieve

Love is like the mountain
When you’re on top, it feels like heaven
But we all know whatever you do
You must go back down and be the old you

Love is like the vast open field
Everything just goes with the wind
The space gives us no boundaries
It gives you freedom to give into your worries

Love is like a scenery outside the car window
It passes by your eyes and you would never know
It’s like traveling through a bullet train
Seeing places that in our hearts will remain

Love is like poetry
It lets you dream and lets you see
Like poetry, has its own justification
No doubts, no fears, no questions

Love is like the sunshine
The hope it brings that everything’s fine
The loneliness of the night fades away
As the sun promises the beauty of the next day

I could never say what love really is
All I know is the feeling when it hits
For me, only one thing is ever true
When I think of love, I think of you.

October 21, 2005
7:00pm

image from http://www.flickr.com/photos/emueses/2027671970/

How

How do you make things easier
The moment we said it was over
How do you face the morning sun
When you know that our love is gone

How could you go on and continue living
While I’m here on my own, hurting
I can’t help but wonder
How could your love make my heart suffer

How could you be so damn caring
Doing little things that make my heart spinning
How do you make each day so sweet
How do you fill the emptiness and make me complete

How do you begin a day without me
How do you set your heart free
How do you make the nights worthwhile
With tears in my eyes and a fake smile

How could you leave without saying goodbye
Now that you’re gone how could I not cry
How could you love me so damn much
When you know that you and I can never last

O, how will I ever convince myself
That our love is now an old book in a shelf
Tell me how to pretend to be fine
When I know in my heart you can never be mine

October 20, 2005

image from http://www.flickr.com/photos/return_to_oz/319655745/

Hanggang Kailan

Kaylan kaya maririnig mula sa’yo
Na ako lamang ang laman ng puso
Hanggang kailan kaya ako aasa
Na iisa lamang ang ating nadarama

Kaylan kaya kita mayayakap
Maramdamang muli aking mga pangarap
Makasama ka sa bawat patak ng ulan
Tanging panalangin ko’y muli kang mahagkan

Pilit ko ma’ng limutin ka
Paulit-ulit pa rin kita’ng naaalala
Ang mga ngiti at halik ng ating nagdaan
Sa panaginip ko na lang ba muling makakamtan?

Hindi ko alam kung hanggang kailan
Hindi ko alam kung hanggang saan
Ano nga ba ang halaga ng lahat sa’yo
Ng masasayang sandali na kasama mo’y ako

Hindi ko alam kung hanggang kailan
Hanggang kailan ko pilit iiwasan
Ang isipin ka, alalahanin ka, pangarapin ka
Dahil narito ako at nariyan ka

Gusto ko ma’ng sabihin na mahal kita
Alam ko’ng wala namang kahihinatnan pa
Dahil alam ko’ng mundo nati’y magkaiba
At kailan ma’y di na muling magkikita

October 18, 2005
1:45am

image from http://www.flickr.com/photos/starprod/1560594512/

GROUND LEVEL (ang iba't-ibang level ng aking makulay na buhay pag-ibig)

Bakit nga ba tayo nagmamahal? Kung ang hatid naman nito ay sakit na masahol pa sa pakiramdam ng pinutulan ng kamay at paa, gamit ang isang mapurol na kutsilyo at pagkatapos ay pipigaan ng kalamansi? Mas higit pa siguro do’n kung ang dahilan ay isang taong labis mong minahal, kapantay ang langit at mga bituin.
Kung gayon ay bakit tayo nagmamahal? At ang masaklap pa do’n ay ang mapipili mong mahalin ng lubos ay ‘yung mga taong hindi karapat-dapat mahalin o kaya ay ‘yung mga nilalang na imposibleng makaramdam ng pagmamahal sa ‘yo.
Dalawang bagay lang ‘yan- masokista ka at ang ideya mo ng kaligayahan ay ang labis na pagdurusa, o tanga ka lang talagang pumili ng mamahalin.
Napagnilayan ko na ang bagay na ‘yan at aminado ako, doon ako nakakategorya sa tanga’ng pumili ng mamahalin. Kahit na madalas ay pakiramdam ko ay kulang na lang ay paghiwa-hiwalayin ang buo kong katawan, heto pa rin ako, walang kadala-dalang magmahal.
Ilang beses ka na bang na-inlove? ‘Yun bang tipong nakakawindang na pagmamahal? ‘Yun bang kahit ano ang sabihin ng ibang tao, wala kang pakialam, basta ikaw, nagmamahal, tapos. ‘Yung tipong kahit suntok sa buwan na mahalin ka niya o pansinin man lang, ayos lang basta mahal mo siya. ‘Yung tipong kahit may mahal siyang iba at imposibleng mahalin ka niya, kahit anong hirap at pasakit, kakayanin mo, dahil nagmamahal ka.
Ako, maraming beses nang na-inlove. Iba’t-ibang level nga lang. Para sa ‘kin kasi, naniniwala ako na iba-iba ang level ng pag-ibig. Pero iba’t-ibang level man, ang bottom line, nagmahal ako. Sige, para sa lubos mo’ng ikauunawa, iisa-isahin ko.

Level 6: attracted to love
Level 5: experimental love
Level 4: crazy, spontaneous and out of this world love
Level 3: foolish love
Level 2: ideal great love
Level 1: first love

Level 6. Attracted to love. Ito ang level na madalas mangyari. Attraction na maaaring humantong sa bolahan, sa ligawan, o sa magandang pagkakaibigan. Hanggang do’n lang. ito siguro ‘yung nasa pagitan ng infatuation at pagiging in love. Damdami’ng ang hatid ay tuwa, saya at sandaling kalungkutan. Damdaming hindi nagtatagal. Tulad marahil ng iba’t-ibang mukha na iyong nakakasalamuha sa pagsakay at pagbaba sa elevator. Ang iba’y tumatatak sa isip, ang iba’y madaling makalimutan. Pero anu’t-anuman, tulad sila ng iba’t-ibang mukha na sumasakay at bumababa ng elevator na magiging parte na ng kasaysayan ng elevator na kailanman ay di na mababago.
Level 5. Experimental love. Ito ang love na nakakaguilty. Aaminin ko, na-guilty ako pagkatapos ng lahat. Pasens’ya na sa kanya, di ko sinasadyang saktan s’ya at sana ay masaya na s’ya sa kung ano man ang buhay n’ya saan man s’ya naroon ngayon. Sa tingin ko, may dahilan kung bakit hinid naging maganda ang kuwento namin. Dahil kung hindi ko pinagdaanan ang level na ito, hindi ako natuto. Malaki talaga ang naitulong sa ‘kin ng Biology class namin noon sa high school. Salamat kay Ma’am Bautista, ang science teacher namin nung 2nd year. Dahil sa kanya, napahalagahan ko ang konstekto ng pag-eeksperimento.
Level 4. Crazy, spontaneous and out of this world love. Malinaw ang deskripsiyon nito. crazy, spontaneous at out of this world. Crazy dahil walang pakialam, spontaneous dahil bigla at hinid pinag-isipan at out of this world dahil sa mga pangyayaring kahit sa panaginip ay hindi ko inakalang posibleng mangyari. Pero anu’t-anuman, isa itong bahagi ng aking buhay pag-ibig na hindi ko maaaring malimutan. At nagpapasalamat pa rin ako sahil sa mga naidulot nito sa akin.
Level 3. Foolish love. Hindi lang ang feelings ko ang foolish dito, pati ‘yung minahal ko, foolish din. Minsan, iniisip ko kung masaya na nga kaya talaga siya ngayon, o nagpapanggap lang s’yang masaya at ayos lang ang lahat dahil wala na naman talaga siyang pagpipilian kundi ang magpanggap na ganoon na nga. Wala ‘yong halong galit o anupaman, naisip ko lang. Dito ‘ko umiyak di lang dahil sa sakit na dulot ng pag-ibig niya, kundi dahil din sa pride at reyalisasyon kung gaano talaga ako Katanga at hinayaan ko ang sarili ko na mapunta sa gano’ng sitwasyon. Kung babalikan, naisip ko, siguro naiwan ko kung saan ang utak ko, o siguro, nag-hybernate ang mga braincells ko nung mga panahong ‘yon. Pero kahit nagkagano’n, hindi ko maaaring itanggi na sobra ko s’yang minahal. At sobra rin akong naging tanga.
Level 2. Ideal greal love. Ito ‘yung pakiramdam na s’ya na ang tadhana ko. Maging sino man s’ya, ano man s’ya, mahal ko s’ya.sbi nila, you’ll only have your great love twice. Sa tingin ko at pag-aanalisa sa aking makulay na buhay pag-ibig, nakilala ko na ‘yung dalawang ‘yon. Pero s’yempre pa, para sa ‘kin, habang ako’y humihinga, hindi ako nawawalan ng pag-asa. Alam ko, makikilala ko pa rin ang pangatlo, pang-apat o kahit panlimang great love ng aking buhay. sana lang, wala pa ‘ko sa Home for the Aged ‘pag nangyari ‘yon.
Level 1. First love. ‘Di ko na siguro kailangang ipaliwanag ang level na ito. Lahat naman tayo, may first love. Taga-ibang planeta lang siguro ang wala no’n. at ang sabi nga, first love never dies. Para sa ‘kin, totoo ‘yon. Para sa karamihan, totoo rin ‘yon. ‘Yung iba, nag-de-deny lang dahil sa mga kasalukuyang ka-relasyon. Pero kahit saang anggulo mo tingnan, totoo ‘yon. “The first time you fall in love, it changes your life forever and no matter how hard you try, the feeling never goes away.” Tamaan sana ng kidlat ang hindi sumang-ayon. Tumagos sa ‘kin ‘yang mga salitang ‘yan hanggang buto nang mabasa ko. Maraming taon na ang nakalipas at hanggang ngayon, hindi nagbabago ang epekto no’n sa ‘kin.

May dahilan kung bakit kinailangan kong magsimula sa level 6. Ang pag-ibig para sa ‘kin ay parang pag-akyat sa isang gusali sa pamamagitan ng elevator. ‘Yon ang metapora ko sa pag-ibig. Na kahit gaano kataas ang marating mo, kahit ilang palapag ang akyatin mo, sa huli, wala kang ibang pagpipilian kundi ang bumaba. Doon sa level 1. Hindi magkakaroon ng level 2, ng level 3, o level hanggang langit kung wala ang level 1. Ang ground level.
Bilang konklusyon, ang mga level na ito ay masasabi kong nakatulong sa ‘kin upang pagnilayan at pagtimbang-timbangin ang mga pangyayari sa aking buhay pag-ibig. May mga katawa-tawa, mga di kapani-paniwala, mga nakakagulat, nakakahiya, nakakabaliw, nakakainis, nakakamangha, nakakatuwa at kadalasan ay nakakaiyak na yugto at tagpo na mananatili sa ‘kin habang buhay.
Masalimuot ang magmahal. Alam ko ‘yon. pero heto pa rin ako. Nagmamahal. Gano’n talaga. Kahit pa alam kong iiyak lang ako at masasaktan sa huli, tuloy pa rin ako.
Tanga kasi ako. ‘Yun lang ‘yon.
Kung bibilangin ko kung ilang beses akong nasaktan, madali lang. Pero kung ang pag-uusapan ay kung gaano ako nasaktan sa mga panahong nasaktan ako, wala na, mata ko na lang siguro ang walang latay.

image from http://www.flickr.com/photos/stevewilde/2159375321/