Emptiness

If I were going to be asked how many times I have fallen in love, my answer would be- many times. Probably too many that every so often I feel like I was born to love and to get hurt.
Falling in love is the most infuriatingly fantastic feeling any human being could possibly experience. It is exciting. It is nerve-wracking. It is calorie burning. It is insane. It makes everything in the world magical and colorful.
People who are in love tend to be much nicer than necessary. I know. I’ve been there. It feels like you want to be-friend everybody. You are more welcoming, more approachable. You understand everything. You seem to know the solutions to all the problems in the world. And, you cannot seem to get that sweet smile off your face.
That is love. It can do all the crazy things, it can make the impossible possible, the ugly beautiful and the black, somehow white.
That is love. I know. I’ve had that.
I should know everything about love because I have been in that state for so many times.
But actually, I don’t. I do not know how it feels like to be cuddled in the cold Christmas Eve. I do not know how it feels to be in the arms of someone when I am miserable. I do not know the feeling of being cherished and loved when my world is falling apart.
All I know is the feeling of emptiness every time I fall in love.

image from http://www.flickr.com/photos/g-hat/1587337253/

Halfmeant

Sa bawat gabi makatulog ka sana
Na ako ang nasa isip sa tuwi-tuwina
Sa umaga, sa tanghali at sa gabi
Sana maalala mo ang aking mga ngiti

Sana’y dahan-dahan ka sa iyo’ng pagkain
Baka mabulunan sana sa kaiisip sa akin
Tingnan ang daan sa paglalakad
Baka madapa kapag naalalala ang lahat

Siguro sa sobrang pag-iisip ko sa’yo
Ay dugu-dugo ka na, pangyayari’ng di malayo
Ngayon kaya ay may dila ka pa
O lagi ito’ng nakakagat at di na makapagsalita

Kawawa ka naman kung magkagano’n
Sorry ha, di ko lang mapigilan ang emosyon
Gustuhin ko man na di ka isipin
‘Di pwede dude, mahirap ‘yong pilitin

October 19, 2005
Wednesday, 12:05am

image from http://www.flickr.com/photos/colinedwards/291628090/

Love Never Ends

How would you stay in love with someone who does not and will never feel the same way? Would you still take the risk, tell him how you really feel and be broken the second time, or would you just forget about your feelings and live your life as if nothing happened?
And then regret everything for the rest of your life?
No way. If I were that person, I wouldn’t. But then again, you’ve got to think- is he worth fighting for?

I’ll say this again, I don’t know and I can’t remember how many times I’ve said this, but I’ll say this again anyway. I’d love to forget everything, move on and live a new life. Who wouldn’t? But it isn’t easy. Everyday, I tell myself, this is the day when I start thinking about other things, more important things, except him. But at the end of the day, I always find myself hoping that he’s somehow thinking about me.
Crazy, I am. Of course, I know that. No need to deny it.
Well, that moving on thing, I guess, that’s hopeless for me. And that really scares me because I know, if I won’t be able to move on, I couldn’t really be happy.
Because as they say, you cannot really go on if you have left something behind. And what I’ve left behind is the most important thing in my life. It is just so impossible to forget.
And how can I live with the fact that I can’t move on? I do not know. Honestly, I do not know.
They say that to be able to forget someone, find someone else. Or keep yourself busy, or simply, just forget everything about him. From his smile, to his God damn beautiful little eyes.
Yes, I have tried those, all these years. But where did that all lead me? Into insanity. Still, here I am, desperately praying for a miracle.
Here I am, still living in the shadow of the past, without taking into consideration that he might be with someone now, happy.
I must admit that I can’t face the fact that he has changed. That maybe everything has changed between the two of us.
Maybe he’s not the same person I’ve known many years ago. Maybe his feelings for me has changed. Maybe.
Or that’s for sure. I don’t know.
I still can’t figure out how did that happen. I mean, does love really change at the end of the day?
Well, of course, it does. Everything has it’s end. Actually, a lot has changed in me. My love, for instance to those people whom I’ve loved before. However, did I question myself? No, because I am sure in my heart, that it is possible and there’s nothing wrong about my feelings changing through time.
It’s understandable. It’s justifiable.
But why on earth can’t I understand this issue between me and Mr. Blank?
I’m getting tired of this. I’ve been pondering, weighing things for so, so long now. This hurt I’m feeling, I think is already immunizing my system that I no longer care if this is wrong or right.
I know that what I feel for him is so real and that nothing is gonna happen. Yes, I’ve learned, as time goes that what I am into is something that time needs a miracle to come true.
I have learned to accept my fate. But I am still holding on. I do not know where would this all lead me, but somehow I know, I’ll get there.

image from http://www.flickr.com/photos/17305559@N00/379732712/